Are my abs Spring ready???

"I have a few fat friends that have lost a lot of weight in regular exercise routines and at the gym but still look fat. And instead of congratulating them on their progress we sort of trivialise what they do." 

Ahem…So after my last zealous post about sculpting my abs in time for the spring in September….How far are my abs from the Spring time?

Well, well the first day after writing that blog was very easy. I strapped on my vibro shape belt to my hip, lay on my bed reading a book, while my hips and tummy vibrated on medium cycles, until I got a headache.  Forty minutes later, I unstrapped the belt, got onto the floor, did four sets of 15 sit ups, bounced around on a gym ball for a while and retired for the evening in front of my laptop. 

The next morning, as I intended to arise from bed, my tummy hurt, it was really painful. I paused for a moment, recollected my work out pattern and said to myself….Well Done, its working! I continued my day as normal, whipped up a huge pasta dish for dinner and dunked my face in it completely oblivious to my quest of finding my abs again!

I remember this moment very clearly, standing by the kettle making coffee, thinking to myself, “I feel so stuffed”, it was then only did I realise that I had not done any exercise. Especially after the hearty meal I consumed at dinner time, there was no way I would even be able to pick myself off the couch let alone the floor!

Days passed without burning a single calorie. There has not been a moment whereby I could even find the time to strap on my lame excuse “ab work out belt”. I have been having my regular meals, always healthy, over indulging in black coffee as usual(an addict but the winter does not help!), absolutely no exercise and the only sit ups I did was when “I sit up in bed in the morning and lay down at night”. That’s about the only exercise I have time for.

I slipped on my skinny jeans again today to see if I would be able to tolerate my tummy in the spring and well……No I will not be able to!

I need to implement at least a 60min exercise plan into my day and remain committed and focussed. 

What I am discovering is that it is so easy to criticise our appearances. I have a few fat friends that have lost a lot of weight in regular exercise routines and at the gym but still look fat. And instead of congratulating them on their progress we sort of trivialise what they do. 

It is hard work keeping in shape and even harder trying to maintain a great figure. My lesson here is to acknowledge and encourage everyone out there that is trying to live a physically healthy lifestyle and in future there will only be positive criticism from The Socialites circles!

As for me, my saga continues as the Spring is only five weeks away! J                 

WHERE ARE MY ABS AGAIN???

"However, my problem arose last week when i slipped on a pair of size 8 low rise

skinny jeans and I had my tummy roll over the hip line of my jeans!"

In days gone by it was so easy to find slim, petite, female figures. Women were able to have and maintain slender bodies with great ease. It became a societal norm to be thin. Men on the other hand would not be fat however seeing a guy with perfect pecks or a nicely toned physique was a rarity, almost like a delicacy. :)

I recall going to a prominent club a few years back where a group of dancers would perform. I noticed when these dancers went on stage, it was taken for granted that the female dancers had stunning physiques but when we looked  at male dancers, they looked fantastic and remarkably entertaining.....Albeit, to such an extent that all the male clubbers around me would not be looking at the women, but the male dancers. Usually jaws dropped!

It amused me for quite a while until recently, when I could not help but notice how every twenty year old male and a lot of thirty year olds have exceptionally well maintained physiques. It has become so hard to miss. Guys have taken the upkeep of their bodies to an extremely high level with every second guy walking around with a tight ass, muscular arms, broad chests, and oh so stunning tattoos to match!

The more you look around, the more you will see how women have taken a nose dive in this arena. There are the most “rounded” women “around”, very unshapely figures and badly proportioned physiques. Its hilarious listening to women make excuses for their out of shape bodies but more especially being unhealthy. My favourite excuse…. "I have an over active thyroid” then it’s the baby, the age and genetic structure!

Personally I have always maintained a weight of 45kg-46kg my entire life even after having a baby. I went through a stage where I focussed on muscle tone but weight was never really an impediment to me. I always ate in portions and generally healthy foods. As much as I was and am small build, I always knew that I was not healthy and unfit.

After having a baby I continued to buy clothes that were my pre-pregnancy size for fear that I will get too comfortable with a larger clothes size. In no time I was back into my normal clothes. However, my problem arose last week when i slipped on a pair of size 8 low rise skinny jeans and I had my tummy roll over the hip line of my jeans! My jeans still fitted but my belly roll just appeared. I can attribute my new addition to winter and my hibernation but what would be the point of this? It would explain my situation but never rectify my problem.

Immediately I was panic stricken, looking for an almost instant solution, for which we all know there is none! It was at this moment that I made a pact with myself, that I would take better care of my body, it is the least I could do for a body that allows me so many luxuries! I decided that I will not only be healthy but also work towards clearly defined abs by the spring in September.

Let me tell you this, it is easier said than done!

The next couple posts are going to be updates on my journey to being fit and healthy with a great body….more especially great abs...not in a gym but my very own way....

Wtf was I thinking . . .

This is a statement I hear repeatedly by friends, both male and female alike, usually after something good turned terribly wrong and eventually ended. They arise from the ashes almost like the Phoenix trying to come to life. We all go through life experiencing moments where we sit back one day and ask ourselves the question … Wtf was I thinking…believing you, not studying, driving unlicensed, drinking excessively, losing a bank card , investing money, quitting a job, not quitting a job, taking the wrong advice and even thinking this is love.

Regardless of what circumstance brings us to this Wtf moment, it almost always only happens after we made a complete fool of ourselves, lost time, money, dignity, weight, logic and most of our sanity.
Thoughts suddenly appear with such clarity and the obvious absurdity of each situation appears so simple. Yet for months and sometimes years we were held in bondage by these situations whereby we could not see logical solutions that could have saved us immense grief, time and heart break. And brainstorming sessions with our closest confidantes not only over analysed the tiniest issues but transformed them into huge obstacles that further complicated an already complicated story.

I have made a very interesting observation with people in my society, over a period of time, regarding various experiences that I have been witness to.  

I noticed friends and colleagues go from one relationship to another always hoping that the right person is still out there. These people are usually the individuals in our society that are extremely intelligent, learned, well accomplished, have significantly vast life experiences at young ages, higher IQs, well groomed, good looking, witty and extreme conversationalists. Yet for the majority, they have not found the ideal candidate to share their lives with. Even if at some stage they were married or in committed relationships, they eventually realise that it was a Wtf moment and quickly try to correct this mistake by ending relations and immediately get back onto the path of new discovery.

The reason I believe these people experience these Wtf moments mainly in their personal life is because they are over analytical and critical of another person’s character and actions. They believe they are always right and usually they are almost always right. But they do not see that sometimes being “wrong” is ok too if it would make someone else happy.

They do not believe that anyone is worthy of their company because everyone else is just not like them and the standards they create for themselves is so high. Virtually unattainable. And sometimes this is their very crafty defence mechanism where they are able to pinpoint, track and annihilate any threat that appears on their radar.
And if some person is able to bypass this highly sophisticated radar protection, then it is considered an achievement and that person is a worthy “opponent” for these highly intelligent people. Please note, I say opponent because every single moment and event from here on will be over analysed, theorised, documented, remembered and recalled in the future.

If someone successfully masters this process then they are either very deceptive or an equal that is interested in a relationship. Either way, only time will decide and given a few years coupled with a few human errors we will find these individuals extremely unhappy, disappointed and asking themselves wtf was I thinking…..believing that any one is worthy of me or my equal?  

The striking difference between these people and that of people “less smarter” than themselves are that these people lack the ability to look meticulously and analytically at other’s faults and usually write it off to irrelevant. This is sometimes why these “less smarter” people neglect to see any signs that their partner was cheating, lying being deceitful, lazy. It always turns out like a “shock” to them.

The flip side for the analytics, they will find something that was never there to begin with. God forbid, you are the unassuming person that gets facts of a true story confused…The analytics will have you tried, convicted, sentenced and hung all in the same day with the least effort and your defence can only be heard by the good Lord!

So to all my friends, aquaintances, confidantes, family and readers, one thing is certain, these wtf moments are inevitable. I suggest you remain true to yourself, to your goals, to your idea of the perfect person, the ideal business, the circle of friends that make you laugh and the happiness that you have created for yourself in your own little world. Should anyone wish to be part of your world, always, always, always, I cannot stress this enough; live by your rules with a few less than life changing compromises and personality changes.
You are the right person. And if no one else sees this, it does not change the fact that you are still the right person! Find happiness in yourself and when these wtf moments pay you a visit, it will not alter the course of your very being.

IS WINE IN THE BIBLE GRAPE JUICE?

I am accustomed to having a good wine over dinner or whilst socialising with friends. I am a Christian and I have been so my entire life. I am not perfect but facts show that nobody is! I have over the years heard from Christians and Non-Christians alike that it is not Christian to drink alcohol or in my case wine. I have also heard how the word “wine” mentioned in the Bible refers to “Grape Juice” and “not alcoholic” wine. I have also seen how Christians of a “superior” faith than my own look at me with a condemning, evil eye as if I were kissing Satan himself when the topic of wine in the Bible arises. I have seen some “holy” people shy away from the “wine drinkers” at social gatherings. I do believe that I am not the only Christian in the world that has experienced this behaviour.

I speak to more non-believers about Christianity over a glass of wine than most Christians I know. (I am not referring to missions or crusades.) This is a crucial point that most churches do not understand.    

It is not my intention to justify drunkenness or alcoholism as excessive intake of alcohol is clearly forbidden in Christianity however I will present a logical view and you the reader will have the opportunity to derive your own conclusions and beliefs. My references for this post are the Bible and Biblestudy.org who have put together an amazing analysis of this subject. Some points they express so perfectly that I have copied direct excerpts from their article as I could not express a point more accurately than Biblestudy.org.  

WINE in English, vinum in Latin,oinos in Greek and yayin in Hebrew—have been used historically to refer to the juice of the grape, whether fermented or unfermented.

 In the Bible when “alcoholic” wine is mentioned with accompanying words like “mocker”, “brawler”, “drunkenness” and “drunkard” is interpreted as FERMENTED ALCOHOLIC WINE. When these words are absent in the scriptures for e.g. “gladdens”, “cheers”, “merry” etc then it is interpreted as  UNFERMENTED NON-ALCOHOLIC WINE.

But so much for what men say. Let's look instead at what the Bible says. After all, we must be careful to obey God rather than men (Acts 5:29) and to not become so caught up in the doctrines of men that we turn our backs on God (Matthew 15:8-9, Mark 7:7-9, Titus 1:14).

HERES a FACT.  An important point to note, as several historians point out that during this time period there was no method to store UNFERMENTED, NON-ALCOHOLIC  GRAPE JUICE nor was any storage method known! So it leads me to wonder how long could grape juice be stored and still be considered an unfermented, non-alcoholic beverage??

SO IS BIBLE WINE REALLY GRAPE JUICE?

Many churches adamantly teach that Bible Wine is unfermented grape juice. This would mean that Noah (Gen 9:21) and Lot (Gen 19:32-35) got drunk on unfermented grape juice, which would be a clear contradiction of scripture. So would the Miracle of Cana (John 2:11) which in accordance with Jewish custom states they were drinking alcoholic fermented grape juice.    

The following is a very interesting point that I only became aware of while researching this post.

DID JESUS DRINK FERMENTED OR UNFERMENTED WINE AT THE LAST SUPPER? 

“On Jesus' last Passover (Last Supper), which occurred in the Spring, he passed around wine for him and his disciples to drink. Since this was six to seven months after the grape harvest and since there was no way to preserve grape juice, this HAD to be fermented. (The actual phrase is "fruit of the vine," but, as pointed out by The New Westminster Dictionary of the Bible, this expression was "employed by the Jews from time immemorial for the wine partaken of on sacred occasions, as at the Passover and on the evening of the Sabbath. The Greeks also used the term as a synonym of wine which was capable of intoxication.")”

“The attitude of Jesus toward wine, like that of the entire Bible, is neutral, praising its use and finding fault in its intemperate use. Certainly the production of wine at Cana (John 2:1-11) scarcely supports any belief that Jesus or the primitive Church regarded the use of wine as sinful in itself." (Dictionary of the Bible, John L. McKenzie, S.J.,1965 ).

The Greek word used in John 2:1-11 for "wine" and in Paul's command to Timothy (1Timothy 5:23) is the term oinos (Greek: οἶνος, Strong's Concordance Number #G3631). This same word appears in Ephesians 5:18 ("be not drunk with wine") and Luke 10:34 ("and bound up his wounds, pouring in oil and wine").

Can you get drunk on grape juice? Would you pour grape juice on a wound? Of course not! You get drunk on something with an alcohol content and fermented wine would provide sufficient alcoholic content to serve as an antiseptic.

The New Testament ALWAYS refers to fermented wine. How could the Apostles be accused of being drunk on GRAPE JUICE when the miracle of languages occurred on the Day of Pentecost (Acts 2:13-15)??

 "And when this sound occurred, the multitude came together, and were confused, because everyone heard them speak in his own language . . . So they were all amazed and perplexed, saying to one another, 'Whatever could this mean?'

"Others mocking said, 'THEY ARE FULL OF NEW WINE.'

"But Peter, standing up with the eleven, raised his voice and said to them, 'Men of Judea and all who dwell in Jerusalem, let this be known to you, and heed my words. FOR THESE ARE NOT DRUNK, as you suppose, since it is only the third hour of the day.' " (Acts 2:1-4, 6, 12-15, NKJV throughout unless stated)

One interesting argument for those who believe that wine in the bible is unfermented grape juice use Proverbs 20:1 as a defence, which states,

"Wine is a mocker, strong drink is a brawler, and whoever is led astray by it is not wise." (Proverbs 20:1)

Clearly there are problems attached to over-indulgence. The admonition here is that one not be deceived by wine and use it too much. This concept applies to almost anything including food and sex. The approach taken by those who attempt to use Proverbs 20:1 (above) to indicate that drinking something fermented is a sin would require a similar teaching about honey as well, it’s mentioned along a similar vein in Proverbs 25:27 (below):

"It is not good to eat much honey;" (Proverbs 25:27)

Should honey also be eliminated from a Christian's diet?

This attitude is absurd and the intent of each of the verses is expressing a problem resulting from going too far with either product.

WHAT ARE THE BIBLE’S POSITIVE REFERENCES?

The positive scriptures and commands which require fermented wine balance and bring into perspective the negative references. These include:

God made this drink possible to help man REJOICE!:

"Bless the Lord, O my soul! O Lord my God, You are very great . . . And (God makes) WINE that makes glad the heart of man, . . ." (Psalm 104:1, 15)

Wine can help the depressed and those near death to cope:

"Give STRONG DRINK to him who is perishing, and WINE to those who are bitter of heart.  Let him drink and forget his poverty, and remember his misery no more." (Proverbs 31:6-7)

Apostle Paul tells Timothy to drink WINE for its health benefits:

"No longer drink only water, but use a little WINE for your stomach’s sake and your frequent infirmities." (1Timothy 5:23)

“It is interesting to note that those who espouse total abstinence conveniently make all of the positive references to wine relate to grape juice and claim that all of the negative ones display fermented wine. In every case the words are the same, but somehow they think that they may supply a different meaning on those words to suit their own goals.”

HEALTH BENEFITS

This benefit is only hinted at. Wine has curative value as well, as implied in Luke 10:34 and 1 Timothy 5:23. Dr. Salvatore P. Lucia, professor of medicine at the University of California School of Medicine, wrote,

"Wine is the most ancient dietary beverage and the most important medicinal agent in continuous use throughout the history of mankind . . . . Actually, few other substances available to man have been as widely recommended for their curative powers as have wines" (Wine as Food and Medicine; pp. 5, 58).

Dr. Henry A. Rowe, M.D., has stated that a moderate amount of wine taken with a meal improves digestion and helps build up the blood. The Pasadena Medical Society says,

"Taken intelligently and with discretion, alcohol (in wine and other drinks) can prolong life expectancy . . . . However, even temporary excess or prolonged over-drinking can lead to disaster."

BALANCE AND MODERATION IS KEY

The proper relationship between alcohol and Christians is really quite plain. It is merely a matter of moderation. As Paul told Timothy, "Drink no longer water, but use a little wine . . . ." When he wrote to the Ephesians he specified, "And be not drunk with wine, wherein is excess . . . ."

He said to not get drunk, but he did not say to totally abstain from wine. What is absent is just as important as what is present. "Let your moderation be known unto all men" (Philippians 4:5).

Christians and alcohol CAN mix. Abstinence is NOT taught by the Bible, but neither is drunkenness. Moderation is the key.

For those who abstain from alcohol, that’s great for you. To those who like me enjoy a glass or two of wine, that’s great too! If you are the type of person who has no control of your flesh/body and is easily tempted, please refrain from any alcohol as it is in the best interest of society!

And to everyone out there, Christian or not, it is my aim to make people aware of certain truths, using facts, history and wherever necessary archaeological evidence, so no matter what your belief is, it should be based on truth. And only TRUTH.  I also believe that the ministry of CONDEMNATION IS NOT CHRISTIAN and needs to be uprooted from the Church. The last time I checked it was not judgement day and NO MAN is our judge.

REFERENCES

Excerpts by BibleStudy.org/ Norman Rowe

Aid to Bible Understanding, Watchtower, 1971, pp. 1658-59.

Dictionary of the Bible, McKenzie, Bruce Publishing Co. 1965, pp. 928-29.

Greek-English Lexicon of the New Testament, University of Chicago Press 1957, pp. 564-65.

Harper's Encyclopedia of Bible Life, Harper & Row 1978, pp. 184-85.

New Westminster Dictionary of the Bible, Westminster Press 1970, pp. 99219-1002.

Peloubet's Bible Dictionary, Zondervan 1971, pp. 737-39.

http://www.biblestudy.org/basicart/does-bible-permit-drinking-wine-alcohol.html

www.bible.com

Women blame CHILDBIRTH for being OVERWEIGHT

This post is inspired by a picture posted by a friend on Facebook.  The picture depicts a former Miss World and Bollywood Star, Ashwariya Rai Bachan who gained a third chin with the birth of her first baby. So my topic today is about women who gain excessive weight after child birth.

Women deserve utmost credit for merely having the God given ability to bear children. This task in itself is an incredibly selfless act of love. It is not our intention to undermine the role of mothers and women.         

      

Women should gain up to 15kg during their pregnancy, anything up to 18kg is still accepted. Some women however start packing on the kilos; eating huge portions of food, all sorts of junk and unhealthy foods and cravings that makes men wonder what creature is she feeding. Some weird cravings like raw potatoes, sand, stones, coca-cola, cakes, fresh cream, sweets, chips, leaves,  none of which are healthy either. Halfway through these pregnancies women need to go shopping for clothes as nothing fits them, so instead of going to a store that sells clothes for a modern pregnant women they buy giant clothing somewhat 5 sizes larger than their own size. 

This for me is absolutely unbelievable as maternity clothes are sized according to one’s own size with the necessary adjustments made accordingly viz; if prior to your pregnancy you were a size 8 then your pregnancy wear would be a size 8. Women rationalize overeating during pregnancy as: it must be good for the Baby and continue to munch along giving in to every edible whim whilst throwing their hips to infinity and beyond!

We have all watched women in our family who have had children and never got back into their youthful clothing. We have watched them distribute their clothes amongst friends, family members, the domestic workers and charity. We have also had the pleasure of hearing how after we have a child we can say goodbye to those clothes, heels and hips! And for these over indulgent pregnant women no statement can be truer than this…..

After much anticipation, the bundle of joy arrives and the spotlights focus swiftly changes from mother to Baby. The mother becomes virtually non-existent until needed for feeding. And the little pregnancy world that the mom was bathing in for so long disappears. Reality strikes with the overwhelming need to provide and protect a new soul in your care coupled with all other responsibilities of your actual life. A daunting task for all women!

A few weeks pass and the hype around your family subsides. Everyone nestles into a routine and you realise that you are exactly the same person you were before the baby arrived. You did not die to self, neither were you brainwashed of everything remotely stylish and fashionable. For those who were realistic about their pregnancy getting back into their routine, life, business and sense of style returns with less effort, almost as normal as the sun rising.

However for the rest, things get a bit trickier. Months pass, they have developed a new eating plan and a flare for food. These women's weight remains unchanged from the days of the pregnancy. They settle comfortably into their maternity wear which becomes their normal clothes size. Prancing around in track pants and slops the “new moms new uniform”! With their new formed figure and style to match, their conversations have transformed into complaints about the huge task of motherhood, not enough time in a day, weight problems, negativity, low self esteem, depression (usually in denial of this) and little to no sex drive.  

A year passes and we see a new human being, one who is so comfortable in her oversized life and comfortably sinks into the rationale that it is acceptable to be gain weight because you had a baby.

Two points of note here;

1. If you and your partner are happy with the new rounded you, that’s great, you have a winning combination and there is nothing wrong with having a bit of weight on you. The main thing is, if you are comfortable and confident in your skin the rest of the world sees it. But

2. If you are not happy with this new you whereby weight gain is an issue then you have serious issues. First and foremost you believe that you have gained weight because you had a baby and you expect everyone else to believe the same. Think logically ladies, if it takes 10 months for a woman’s body to create a human, then it should take about the same time to get back to pre-pregnancy state. The process can be quicker if you choose it to be.

Complaining and enviously looking at other thin women and moms will not solve your problem, in fact it will make you feel worse. You find your partners eyes goes a touring when you visit a mall. You hear guys jokes about how women change after the baby. Your sex life takes a plunge and you are with a partner who is constantly frustrated listening about how you wish you were thin blah blah blah….And that’s exactly how you sound to him. Over prolonged periods this situation has the potential to develop into more serious issues of no confidence, depression, lack of sex appeal and sex drive, infidelity and even divorce.

To discuss celebrities and how they gain weight is not even an issue I wish to discuss because in this age they have a baby today and 7days later they have perfectly sculptored abs! So it is beyond my wildest imagination why a former Miss World will place herself in a position of extreme criticism. We can understand 5kg over weight but 2 and 3 extra chins while looking like a mother hippo is not accepted from celebrities in society today!

SOME BACKGROUND information, over the past 3 years I have seen and experienced at least 6 women who gave birth. Those that had a natural birth almost immediately fitted into a wardrobe of clothes that were just one size bigger than their pre-pregnancy size. Within 3months they were back into their normal sized clothes. The C-Section moms took longer and these women never really got into their pre-pregnancy clothes again however they are not more than a single size bigger than the pre-pregnancy size they once were. I do not have a single friend that has used the child birth excuse for being overweight. I hear every other reason but never child birth.

And finally, I speak for myself, so you know, that I know, what I am writing about; I have a 2year old Gem. I gained 15kg during my pregnancy, lost 8 kg one week after the birth, lost 3 further kilos in the first 3months and was at my pre-pregnancy weight of 45kg when my Baby turned 10 months. All this was achieved very simply by eating normal, healthy foods during and after the pregnancy. It is not rocket science neither has it got anything to do with money. It is really about common sense, being healthy and not over indulging during the pregnancy.

       

So the next time you hear a woman use child birth as a reason for weight gain, ask her to try again with a more believable reason. Or just walk away instead of swimming in that sea of delusion. 

INTERNET RELATIONS

If you’re reading this article then you are no stranger to the internet and its various chat programs. Over a period of years we gather a significant amount of friends with whom we are able to share just about anything with. Relations grow and more often than not there are some online friends that know us and understand us better than our closest people back home.

It is amazing how the internet gives one the opportunity to disclose the most intricate details about ones character to complete strangers with the assurance that one will never be judged or treated indifferently. We can withhold our identity and there are no guarantees that the person we are communicating with is who they say they are yet still with all honesty over the years we manage to find real people out there in an intricate yet simple web and maintain relations. Eventually via our online chats, video calling and Facebook these online relations become a “virtual reality” and  real friendships develop.

Years pass and we accompany our friends on the highs and lows of their various relationships with support and third party advice forums. We form an unspoken bond and eventually one day a really close friend, someone with whom you have spent seven years chatting with on various levels, posts pictures of a baby online. You look at these pictures and think to yourself, “I wonder who’s baby this is?” when in fact it is your age old friends baby!

It really is a bit of a shock because you believed that unlike real life relationships where people withhold information for fear of losing friends; with these online relations you really do have nothing to lose or gain except the company and friendships of these people. Realising that a friend could not share the single biggest event of their lives with you is really shocking and in every way really sad.

I guess like in real life, the virtual world comes with its own set of rules and regulations and experience is the best teacher in both worlds. Either way, I think we all have the ability to manage both worlds simultaneously and successfully whilst both can be incredibly rewarding.

And maybe our online friends don’t share certain information with us for fear of rejection or condemnation….and maybe the closeness of these friendships are remarkably similar to real life friendships. Whatever the reasons are, I know that some of my online friends have over the years supported me through the most trying times in my life and some of these people know me better than my best friends back home!

MISTRUST IN RELATIONSHIPS

This is a bit of a lengthy read and its not compulsory for all readers. It is very close to my heart and personal. I believe that there may be someone out there that can identify with the likes of this story. All names have been changed for obvious reasons. Good luck reading!!    

It is amazing how when we first meet a person, we really take everything they say at face value for we have no real reason to mistrust them. As the relationship progresses we find that tiny “lies” surface, usually irrelevant and not life threatening. Be that as it may we find them pointless enough to overlook only to later discover that this could be the signs of really bad things to come!

Well I have been in a relation of drug abuse and these lies surfaced to cover up drugs of course. Then I was in a relation with a person who literally has a problem with the brain and turns out I was the one person lucky enough to fall for this person who according to statistics, one in every 14million people have this disease. So much for 1 in a million! He lied about being ‘normal” or maybe in his world he is normal but this was too much to endure.

And finally, to the latest relationship showcasing mistrust and my favourite so far, I will call him Pretty because he is one of those pretty boys. This relation started by chance at a time when Psycho aforementioned was on his last leg with me. We were completely over for 3months but there were a few emotional ties that needed to be severed. So when I received a Facebook invite from Pretty, there were a few mixed emotions. 

Pretty and I were in somewhat a juvenile relationship 9years prior and it did not work out because he was with someone else and so was I. However he was never forthcoming about that relationship so it just seemed easier to part ways and deal with emotions in our own way. So 9 years later when I got this FB invite and mail I was to say the least confusingly surprised. LOL! Only then did I realise that I had never known his surname. I was happy that he was alive. Hehe! But clueless as to the reason he would make contact. It also brought a smile to my face as some vague memories that were “unsupressable” resurfaced. I immediately looked through his pictures on FB, anything that would show if he had changed physically, like “did he gain weight?” or if he was in a relationship or married. None of his pictures showed him fat or attached. So after a few mails and days going back and forth we decided to meet. Not sure what his reasons for meeting were but I really needed a distraction from the emotional damage of psycho and Pretty looked pretty safe to me.

On the day of the meeting I was double minded and an hour after the appointed time I mustered up some courage to show my face. There he was in some dweebish hairdo and looking a bit grown up, we shared a meal and chatted oh so non chalantly about life threading ever so softly around the relationship scene. While watching him talk about some engagement story I found myself having a conversation with myself. “Wtf are you doing here?” “Could you be this desperate or bored?” “He’s not that bad looking and I like his physique” “What’s up with this hairdo, I wonder if he paid someone to do this to him?” “Wait wait man, what thehell am I doing here….I will not go down this 9yr old road again!” By this time I completely missed every word he said and found myself staring at his lips as they finally stopped moving. Guess that was my queue to say something to which I said “I see, so you’re in a relationship….” To which he replied that he was on his way out blah blah blah…..

He asked to meet my Darling Baby and shortly thereafter I was saying goodbye as I was so off after that relationship bit. He did not want to go so he followed us back to my flat and later we went for ice-cream and chatted a bit more. Then I got to hear how the engagement was cancelled, they were breaking up, the relationship was violent somewhat with the likes of throwing stuff and shouting, they were not sexually active for ages etc. I think he did not expect to hear that I was single and when he did hear this and saw it for himself, he decided to make a play for it. I didn’t mind, so I welcomed the entertainment and more especially the flattering company. It wasn’t long before I actually started believing that he was the most amazing thing I had come across and every day with him felt like the most interesting Bollywood movie. He always had some cliché or romantic line to spit out and it seemed so spontaneous to me. He was great looking, nice body, funny with a nice bite to him. Attraction between us was swift and uncontainable and quickly things turned sexual.

All seemed gloriously amazing for about 2months until New Years Eve 2010 when he told me he had something important to say to me. I knew it could never be anything bad at all but alas, it was…It shook the foundation of our relationship…..well for me at least. This lady, the engagement one, was pregnant! I still asked if this was a joke because it really was unimaginable to me after the story he told me about their relation. I was disoriented for the longest time until now 18months later. My first reaction was “what was the date of conception,” he said “it was before we met”.  If this was so then it would mean it happen a month or two before we met and his story that they were not sexually active would be a lie. The thought of this conception being during the period we met was quickly shunned by him and I never bothered about it however the lie about them not being sexually active just lingered and lingered. I would see him every day so there really was no time for this idea to ferment but over the months to follow I kept asking for the conception date and he was never forthcoming about the date always saying its irrelevant and he did not know.

Our relationship progressed in every positive way and we reached the most amazing balance that I believe most couples strive to attain. We had great communication going on and the sex reached a point where it far exceeded earth moving or mind blowing. It was phenomenal, the types you read about in books. Until one horrible night that he had left his mail opened on my laptop. I looked at it and thought “Should I look or not….I know he looks at my mail so I don’t think it would be a problem with him.” Then I said to myself “What if you see something that you wish you never saw?” I was afraid to look but there was this over powering urge to just search for “This ex name” and the first mail I chose to open said that the conception date of the child was the 22 November 2010 and we met on the 2 November 2010. I read it, then I re-read it and then read it again. My heart sank, broke into a million pieces and fell onto the floor right before my very eyes and there was nothing I could do about it. That was earth shattering to me and tears flowed uncontrollably. I had my suspicions but the most devastating aspect for me was that Pretty had known this, why did he not tell me?

If I had known that they were still together I would have never allowed myself to be with him or allowed his pursuance of me. I really was not sure what type of game he was playing or if I was the one being played. When i asked him he said that he had already mentioned this tome which was even a further lie that got my mind racing in all directions wondering why would he say this or what game is on now? At this point many things happened but we maintained our equilibrium of communication and lovemaking. It still seemed like something we would weather. 

A Month later Prettys friend, a childish jealous boy, wrote lengthy mails calling me thrash and a bitch etc etc etc and this for me was highly offensive and it seemed that Pretty was rather calm about it as if this was not the first time this guy spoke in this manner. My issue was, why would a stranger ever think they knew me enough to vomit such vulgarity and the man I love confides in some female friend for their opinion about this. The mistrust set in and I was just not hearing anything that Pretty was saying and even now I do not remember anything he said. I dealt with the situation with a series of mails to the a$$ and this caused serious strain on my relation with Pretty. 

From here our relation did not seem too certain to me. Weeks progressed, his ex now throwing ultimatums and him sidelining our relationship. Denying that we ever exist or existed, trying to shack up back with his ex etc etc the details of which seem unclear however I am of the opinion that I rule my life. If Pretty is okay with some woman screaming and shouting at him telling him what to do, that’s great but I will never have that person dictating my life. So this relationship went from perfect to fucked up in 3 months with Pretty behaving like an unsteered vessel going whichever way the wind blows, double minded also.

Through his entire fiesco, I supported him. When his child was born I deliberately left him alone to work through his emotions. The child was in ICU, he was looking for me. I gave him the space to bond with his child, I never placed any demands on him and never did I once ask him to take on the role of a father for my Baby simply because she has a father. 

Every child deserves to know and love both their parents. Children do not ask to come into this world so why should they pay for their parents mistakes. I know this better than any person and I never and would never make any parent choose between a partner and a child. A child can never fulfil the role of a partner and a partner can never fulfil the role of a child. And this is where women fail miserably. They use their kids to keep a man or make a man choose between a woman and their child. This is the mistake and at the outset men think I will choose my child for the sake of responsibility, family, reputation. Only to later find out that they are unhappy, the child does not understand anything, the childs mother is miserable, the child grows up believing that this is how relationships are meant to be and just repeats their parents happiness….NOT!

The reason people are deceitful in relationships is simply because they are selfish. They are dishonest and have an ulterior agenda that leads to their own happiness and wellbeing, regardless of others involved. They are dishonest and it’s a clear reflection of the types of relationships they were surrounded by during their childhood. They are also unstable and indecisive for fear of having to commit to their word, which means nothing because they are so caught up in various versions about the truth and their feelings. At the first signs of dishonesty, mistrust, deception and lies, please move on, do not pass begin, do not stop to look around and leave that 200bucks for another target, they may need it to flee the crime scene!

Today I am alone while my Pretty chooses to spend time with the childs mother instead of me. My Baby has had her dad and Pretty away from her at the sametime. She misses them both. I do too, moreso the company. But I miss my Pretty simply because for I don’t buy into the love hype, but I did with him. I saw myself spending the rest of my life with him. More than that we had all the ingredients that is needed for a perfect couple, good communication and great lovemaking.

I am of the opinion that we are all adults. Why can’t we be honest? Say how we feel whether its good or bad, work together toreach common ground. Why deceive another person?

Now the journey begins, again, trying to invest in a relationship of perfect balance with an honest transparent person that seeks the same. I believe it is achievable but is it really worth all this time and effort in the long run as trust is subject to  each individual and their “opinions” thereof! YES it is worth effort for to experience it momentarily with one person means that it is possible with another. 

How does thatage old adage go….It’s better to have loved and lost. But get solace in the fact that the person that you are waiting for is also going aimlessly through failed relationships, possibly heartbroken as well, all on that path to discovery….YOU……Just so that you are the perfect one and not some trial and error!