MISTRUST IN RELATIONSHIPS

This is a bit of a lengthy read and its not compulsory for all readers. It is very close to my heart and personal. I believe that there may be someone out there that can identify with the likes of this story. All names have been changed for obvious reasons. Good luck reading!!    

It is amazing how when we first meet a person, we really take everything they say at face value for we have no real reason to mistrust them. As the relationship progresses we find that tiny “lies” surface, usually irrelevant and not life threatening. Be that as it may we find them pointless enough to overlook only to later discover that this could be the signs of really bad things to come!

Well I have been in a relation of drug abuse and these lies surfaced to cover up drugs of course. Then I was in a relation with a person who literally has a problem with the brain and turns out I was the one person lucky enough to fall for this person who according to statistics, one in every 14million people have this disease. So much for 1 in a million! He lied about being ‘normal” or maybe in his world he is normal but this was too much to endure.

And finally, to the latest relationship showcasing mistrust and my favourite so far, I will call him Pretty because he is one of those pretty boys. This relation started by chance at a time when Psycho aforementioned was on his last leg with me. We were completely over for 3months but there were a few emotional ties that needed to be severed. So when I received a Facebook invite from Pretty, there were a few mixed emotions. 

Pretty and I were in somewhat a juvenile relationship 9years prior and it did not work out because he was with someone else and so was I. However he was never forthcoming about that relationship so it just seemed easier to part ways and deal with emotions in our own way. So 9 years later when I got this FB invite and mail I was to say the least confusingly surprised. LOL! Only then did I realise that I had never known his surname. I was happy that he was alive. Hehe! But clueless as to the reason he would make contact. It also brought a smile to my face as some vague memories that were “unsupressable” resurfaced. I immediately looked through his pictures on FB, anything that would show if he had changed physically, like “did he gain weight?” or if he was in a relationship or married. None of his pictures showed him fat or attached. So after a few mails and days going back and forth we decided to meet. Not sure what his reasons for meeting were but I really needed a distraction from the emotional damage of psycho and Pretty looked pretty safe to me.

On the day of the meeting I was double minded and an hour after the appointed time I mustered up some courage to show my face. There he was in some dweebish hairdo and looking a bit grown up, we shared a meal and chatted oh so non chalantly about life threading ever so softly around the relationship scene. While watching him talk about some engagement story I found myself having a conversation with myself. “Wtf are you doing here?” “Could you be this desperate or bored?” “He’s not that bad looking and I like his physique” “What’s up with this hairdo, I wonder if he paid someone to do this to him?” “Wait wait man, what thehell am I doing here….I will not go down this 9yr old road again!” By this time I completely missed every word he said and found myself staring at his lips as they finally stopped moving. Guess that was my queue to say something to which I said “I see, so you’re in a relationship….” To which he replied that he was on his way out blah blah blah…..

He asked to meet my Darling Baby and shortly thereafter I was saying goodbye as I was so off after that relationship bit. He did not want to go so he followed us back to my flat and later we went for ice-cream and chatted a bit more. Then I got to hear how the engagement was cancelled, they were breaking up, the relationship was violent somewhat with the likes of throwing stuff and shouting, they were not sexually active for ages etc. I think he did not expect to hear that I was single and when he did hear this and saw it for himself, he decided to make a play for it. I didn’t mind, so I welcomed the entertainment and more especially the flattering company. It wasn’t long before I actually started believing that he was the most amazing thing I had come across and every day with him felt like the most interesting Bollywood movie. He always had some cliché or romantic line to spit out and it seemed so spontaneous to me. He was great looking, nice body, funny with a nice bite to him. Attraction between us was swift and uncontainable and quickly things turned sexual.

All seemed gloriously amazing for about 2months until New Years Eve 2010 when he told me he had something important to say to me. I knew it could never be anything bad at all but alas, it was…It shook the foundation of our relationship…..well for me at least. This lady, the engagement one, was pregnant! I still asked if this was a joke because it really was unimaginable to me after the story he told me about their relation. I was disoriented for the longest time until now 18months later. My first reaction was “what was the date of conception,” he said “it was before we met”.  If this was so then it would mean it happen a month or two before we met and his story that they were not sexually active would be a lie. The thought of this conception being during the period we met was quickly shunned by him and I never bothered about it however the lie about them not being sexually active just lingered and lingered. I would see him every day so there really was no time for this idea to ferment but over the months to follow I kept asking for the conception date and he was never forthcoming about the date always saying its irrelevant and he did not know.

Our relationship progressed in every positive way and we reached the most amazing balance that I believe most couples strive to attain. We had great communication going on and the sex reached a point where it far exceeded earth moving or mind blowing. It was phenomenal, the types you read about in books. Until one horrible night that he had left his mail opened on my laptop. I looked at it and thought “Should I look or not….I know he looks at my mail so I don’t think it would be a problem with him.” Then I said to myself “What if you see something that you wish you never saw?” I was afraid to look but there was this over powering urge to just search for “This ex name” and the first mail I chose to open said that the conception date of the child was the 22 November 2010 and we met on the 2 November 2010. I read it, then I re-read it and then read it again. My heart sank, broke into a million pieces and fell onto the floor right before my very eyes and there was nothing I could do about it. That was earth shattering to me and tears flowed uncontrollably. I had my suspicions but the most devastating aspect for me was that Pretty had known this, why did he not tell me?

If I had known that they were still together I would have never allowed myself to be with him or allowed his pursuance of me. I really was not sure what type of game he was playing or if I was the one being played. When i asked him he said that he had already mentioned this tome which was even a further lie that got my mind racing in all directions wondering why would he say this or what game is on now? At this point many things happened but we maintained our equilibrium of communication and lovemaking. It still seemed like something we would weather. 

A Month later Prettys friend, a childish jealous boy, wrote lengthy mails calling me thrash and a bitch etc etc etc and this for me was highly offensive and it seemed that Pretty was rather calm about it as if this was not the first time this guy spoke in this manner. My issue was, why would a stranger ever think they knew me enough to vomit such vulgarity and the man I love confides in some female friend for their opinion about this. The mistrust set in and I was just not hearing anything that Pretty was saying and even now I do not remember anything he said. I dealt with the situation with a series of mails to the a$$ and this caused serious strain on my relation with Pretty. 

From here our relation did not seem too certain to me. Weeks progressed, his ex now throwing ultimatums and him sidelining our relationship. Denying that we ever exist or existed, trying to shack up back with his ex etc etc the details of which seem unclear however I am of the opinion that I rule my life. If Pretty is okay with some woman screaming and shouting at him telling him what to do, that’s great but I will never have that person dictating my life. So this relationship went from perfect to fucked up in 3 months with Pretty behaving like an unsteered vessel going whichever way the wind blows, double minded also.

Through his entire fiesco, I supported him. When his child was born I deliberately left him alone to work through his emotions. The child was in ICU, he was looking for me. I gave him the space to bond with his child, I never placed any demands on him and never did I once ask him to take on the role of a father for my Baby simply because she has a father. 

Every child deserves to know and love both their parents. Children do not ask to come into this world so why should they pay for their parents mistakes. I know this better than any person and I never and would never make any parent choose between a partner and a child. A child can never fulfil the role of a partner and a partner can never fulfil the role of a child. And this is where women fail miserably. They use their kids to keep a man or make a man choose between a woman and their child. This is the mistake and at the outset men think I will choose my child for the sake of responsibility, family, reputation. Only to later find out that they are unhappy, the child does not understand anything, the childs mother is miserable, the child grows up believing that this is how relationships are meant to be and just repeats their parents happiness….NOT!

The reason people are deceitful in relationships is simply because they are selfish. They are dishonest and have an ulterior agenda that leads to their own happiness and wellbeing, regardless of others involved. They are dishonest and it’s a clear reflection of the types of relationships they were surrounded by during their childhood. They are also unstable and indecisive for fear of having to commit to their word, which means nothing because they are so caught up in various versions about the truth and their feelings. At the first signs of dishonesty, mistrust, deception and lies, please move on, do not pass begin, do not stop to look around and leave that 200bucks for another target, they may need it to flee the crime scene!

Today I am alone while my Pretty chooses to spend time with the childs mother instead of me. My Baby has had her dad and Pretty away from her at the sametime. She misses them both. I do too, moreso the company. But I miss my Pretty simply because for I don’t buy into the love hype, but I did with him. I saw myself spending the rest of my life with him. More than that we had all the ingredients that is needed for a perfect couple, good communication and great lovemaking.

I am of the opinion that we are all adults. Why can’t we be honest? Say how we feel whether its good or bad, work together toreach common ground. Why deceive another person?

Now the journey begins, again, trying to invest in a relationship of perfect balance with an honest transparent person that seeks the same. I believe it is achievable but is it really worth all this time and effort in the long run as trust is subject to  each individual and their “opinions” thereof! YES it is worth effort for to experience it momentarily with one person means that it is possible with another. 

How does thatage old adage go….It’s better to have loved and lost. But get solace in the fact that the person that you are waiting for is also going aimlessly through failed relationships, possibly heartbroken as well, all on that path to discovery….YOU……Just so that you are the perfect one and not some trial and error!